October commemorates Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Violence needs to be continually discussed to expose it because there are too many who “love hate” and are getting away with hurting too many people for their own enjoyment.
Anyone who has been in any type of relationship knows it can be challenging because regardless of how much you have in common there are still so many differences between you. After much researching, and learning what I know today, I’ve realized I’ve never experienced what it is like to be in a healthy relationship. As a matter of fact, all my intimate relationships, and too many of my friendships, have been quite toxic. But what became the most shocking revelation is that I am partly to blame.
My role was a codependent. This means I was the people pleaser, the one who tried to fix other people’s problems—even if they didn’t ask me to help—the one who agreed to do something for someone when they asked, and hardly ever said no. Sometimes even dropping my own plans, knowing full well I didn’t want to be bothered, and then when they didn’t appear appreciative or wouldn’t come through when I needed them, I would be livid. I’ve learned that I was angry because I was doing things for others figuring people were like me and if/when I needed them, they would return the favor. Boy was I wrong. Yet, this is the wrong attitude to have. Perhaps I believed this myth due to the matriarchal women I grew up around who always said, “Be kind to folks ‘cause you never know when you’ll need them.” But now I know not only is that the wrong attitude to have but it is simply not true. No one owes us anything regardless of what we’ve done for them. The bottom line is we should just be kind to folks and expect nothing in return.
Too often we blame the other person for doing things that make us miserable when the truth is no one can anyone else miserable without their permission. No one should ever be allowed to have that kind of power over anyone. The answer is easier to say than to do but it begins with learning.
Learn to love yourself more so that you desire the best for yourself like you do for others.
Learn to say no.
Learn to spend time alone thinking and feeling for yourself what you want out of life and be less concerned with what you want for others or worse what others want for you.
Learn to not answer your phone, especially when you notice it is that same person calling or wanting to stop by to dump their misery on you and waste your time. Please note, if you’re an empath this will leave you in a funk for hours if not days and you’ll be clueless as to why.
I know some feel they have difficulty saying no because they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I guarantee you that it is much better to say no and risk hurting their feelings—which you won’t because those who love hate are intentionally bugging with the goal of making you miserable like them—than to allow yourself to end up seething in misery. When you don’t say how you really feel you’re hurting yourself and will resent the other person for it. Eventually, if you ever wake up to the fact that those who “love hate” and enjoy hurting you don’t really love you, you’ll even start to resent yourself. Learn to do what makes you happy, without anyone else, like going to a movie, out to dinner or even traveling out of town. It is an incredible feeling to regain power over your life after being a co-dependent for too many years.
Please do not take what I’ve said so far to mean I’m blaming the victim because I am not. My point here is when we allow someone to continually abuse us, we in turn continue abusing ourselves. So, when you see a pattern of a person being disrespectful and verbally berating you or anyone else don’t think you can change them by being kinder to them or catering to them or making excuses for them, because this only enables them. Too often, we put too much hope in hopeless situations. I cannot stress it enough that if a person does not love themselves, it is totally impossible for them to love anyone else.
I remember having a conversation with a psychologist some years ago and I was telling them how I feel like I’m always on guard because when I least expect it either a family member, a coworker, a friend, or a stranger would say something ignorant to me about me and I felt I had to justify myself or explain something in hopes of them seeing me differently. So, my solution was to make excuses for them; “maybe they’re having a bad day, or maybe someone pissed them off earlier and I became the best target for them to lash out.” The psychologist said to me, “No, Marvina. Some people are just mean.”
And that’s when I semi-woke up. I say semi because I just couldn’t comprehend that level of viciousness where someone enjoys hating. And the reason I could not understand is because that is not who I am. People are going to be who they want to be and no one else can change them.
If you know someone who loves hate, it would be wise for you to stay away, especially if you’re trying to maintain a loving heart, a joyous spirit, and a positive mentally. You are the perfect target for them because they hate to see you happy, and some will go so far as to pretend that they are happy and joyous and positive just like you just to fool you into trusting them so they can eventually turn on you in hopes of pulling you down into that dark pit of hate with them.
Those wolves in sheep’s clothing are not just in a fairytale. Those wolves are real humans pretending to be kind and docile like sheep when what they really want is to steal your joy, kill your loving spirit and destroy you, just as the Bible says in John 10:10a. And they will keep pretending that is not their intention as long as you allow them to.
Statistics show a victim will attempt to leave their abusive partner at least 7 times before succeeding. So that is proof that being in a violent setting can be as addictive as substances or any other types of addictions. Yes. Abuse is addictive. That’s why some people who are hooked on abuse get uncomfortable when things are quiet or become pleasant so sometimes, they do disruptive and self-sabotaging things to create their own abusive surroundings. I certainly hope you learn today: There is no excuse for abuse, whether you are the victim or the perpetrator.
It can take some time to heal from an abusive setting depending on how long you’ve been abused. But there really is peace on earth once you decide to make the decision to get out of it. You must want it badly enough for yourself to begin the process of a happier life.
If you want to learn more about domestic violence, check out the resources listed.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.thehotline.org
To get 24-hour services for abusive situations anywhere in the United States call or visit the website:
Voice (800) 799-7233
TTY (800) 787-3224
In Illinois call for relay service for the hearing impaired at 711
or relay anywhere in the United States (800)526-0844
Spanish interpretation call (800) 501-0864
SARAH’S INN
Offers help for both victims and perpetrators in the Chicago area.
24 hour crisis hotline
(708)386-4225
https://sarahsinn.org
National Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center
International Toll-Free (24/7)
1-866-USWOMEN (879-6636)
www.866uswomen.org
RAPE HOTLINE
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
https://centers.rainn.org/
If you need immediate support, you can reach your local RAINN affiliate at any time, 24/7, by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at (800) 656-HOPE (4673).
NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE 24/7 HOTLINE
For more information or to get help contact:
(800) 4-A-CHILD
(800) 422-4453
https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/
Know your rights-Victim services in Illinois
http://www.statesattorney.org/victimservices.html
National Alliance on Mental Health Institute (NAMI)
http://www.nami.org/
HelpLine 800-950-6264
SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE Need help? National Suicide Prevention Lifeline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ United States: 1 (800) 273-8255 Crisis Text Line 741741 Languages: English, Spanish